I started my day in a zone where I was full of astute realizations...the kind that make you say, "Oh, duh!" I like those moments. They force me to look deeper into why I may have missed something so "obvious." The answer occurred to me in the most simple and knowing terms...we get in those not closest to us what we miss in those we most wish to understand. Huh? Yeah. Same vein as treating those closest to us the worst. This is perplexing behavior on the surface, but under the veil of disguise is a pretty simple understanding. To stay on point with the former, the disguise is that we believe we are viewing those closest with the same objective lense we view others...and ourselves. Surely if we care deeply about someone, we will most certainly and generously view their circumstances, behavior, or past with the same non-judgemental understanding and acceptance as we would an aquaintance or stranger. Wouldn't we? I thought I did. I didn't.
I am a root girl. I like to keep digging for the root of a problem, a behavior, a complication, a blemish. I don't look for the root because I enjoy excavation. Although, I am certainly not deterred by getting dirty and working hard. I look for the root because when I find it, I suddenly discover an illuminated view that was obscured by layers of protection. When I am seeking this root within, the excavation is different. There is a manner in which I am able to hold tight to the role of victim while championing my way to the core...at least, I used to journey that way. That victim role is a security blanket. If I am a victim, I don't have to be accountable for how I behave or respond as a result of. So, to protect my core, displacing responsibility for my actions was a learned defense and coping skill. I am grateful to have learned to recognize that this is not beneficial to my overall healing and recovery. Seeking the root outside is a whole different journey. I am only now discovering this.
I have had a number of folks in my world who have encountered life experiences that I cannot begin to comprehend. The depth of my empathy for them is immeasurable, as I have witnessed and experienced the effects of the experiences. Profound, traumatic, emotionally dismantling, and psychologically destructive events have created a survivors' path that only those wearing the shoes can define. Childhood molestation, physical abuse, psychological family warfare, manipulation, secrecy, lying, hiding...the created coping skills and defense mechanisms for these and similar examples are quite literally the things movies are made of. Yet, they are real life. People dwell in the complexities of their experiences. They adhere to them, they influence & distort their present reality, they immobilize their growth. I know for myself, I had to one day acknowledge and accept that my coping and defenses that were appropriate at the time they were developed no longer held a healthy place in a world where I am no longer suffering the same experiences. What I had not applied was the magnitude to which I was not offering the same consideration to others. And in seeing this, I became aware that I hadn't even known I was judging that which I have no right to interpret, let alone judge.
The questions start with benign inquiry in my own thoughts... "I don't understand...," or "Why can't s/he see...," or worse, "I would never...". The last one is the most insulting doozy...I don't know if I would ever, because i didn't have to find out. When questions reflect the interpretation of another's view, when they start with the "if only" inference, or place the blame of knowledge that only detached insight can often provide, I clearly have ventured into territory I do not belong. As spiritually egocentric human beings, we are molded to be all-knowing to the insult and injury of another. It's why we fight to be right, to win, to stand alone and above. I speak of compassion, of understanding, and of empathy. To many degrees, I live what I speak. But I get lost. I get stuck. And most often, it is through lenses that are clouded by inappropriate and unclaimed emotions that are the muck to which I stick and in which I can drown. I can be unforgiving of things that have never had one thing to do with me, of things for which I feel I pay a price for others misdeeds. I punish the idea of a past memory or event. I judge the character of those who perpetrated their ill-driven behaviors. I don't allow for maturity, wisdom, lessons learned, or the potential for change. I deflect blame for those who are arrested in a period of distress, who still harbor the effects and destructive behaviors to cope. I devalue the impact, the damage, the scarring by excusing it. I feel justified in speaking ill against those who caused such destruction. And it doesn't have anything to do with me. Except it does.
In my egocentric wrapping, I believe everything has to do with me. What they did makes you behave and treat me the way you do. Oops. Guess where clarity comes in? The same ego that allowed me to become a victim to my past has now allowed me to become a victim to your past. Your is the greater plural. Your is anyone, everyone. If you treat me badly and I care about you, that isn't your fault, and it isn't my fault. We are both victims of what you have endured. And today, in this moment, with this realization and understanding, I have to call bullshit. I make choices to allow myself to be treated in any way. If I lay boundaries on what I will accept, I give you the opportunity to live authentically in my life as I will in yours. But if I make excuses, and distract, and defer, I allow us both to live in the shadows of the past. I volunteer to travel back with you, instead of inviting you to a healthy present. And then, I blame your past for making me a part of the storyline.
This whole realization comes down to one simple truth. I am what I allow, what I accept, and what I invite. I have spent a lifetime inviting others' pasts to be my present. This has caused significant complications that I never realized. I am continuously amazed to be reminded that for every projected fault I see outside of myself, I really am seeing my unresolved behaviors reflecting back, taunting me to acknowledge where the blame of action truly lies...within. Ugh. This whole growing up to be a healthy adult is hard. But more so, completely worth it.
