Awakenings

The past three and a half months have generated an extraordinary insight into who I am, how far I have grown, how much I have healed, and how life is nothing more than a continuing journey in which we get realize our potential with every breath. I have also realized how far away from myself I got. The past three weeks, I have endured an emotional whiplash on a number of levels. What I have come to realize bit by bit, and profoundly as of today, is that I am the creator of my emotional whiplash. I am the person who has instituted the guidelines by which I accept people into my life. The acknowledgment that I am the sole author of these rules by which I have projected responsibility to others has created a profound and intense release. The sum of the awakening to ownership occurred in over teh course of key interactions. To unearth some of the deeper-rooted lessons, I must first reveal the trajectory of the events.

In trying to convey my feelings of inadequacy and unimportance, I discussed in detail events that had occurred, and that supported why I feel so strongly regarding this interpretation. Example after example would roll off my tongue to create support of my argument. Some of the events were recent enough to warrant that the pattern continued, despite several conversations about how the behavior impacted me. The last example occurred approximately 3 weeks ago. I was sick in my stomach. I expressed how I felt and went for a walk. I like walking. I am able to process through my thinking, and respond to physical cues that I am not always able to understand. This particular walk, I felt angry, frustrated, and hurt. It was during this walk, somewhere around the cow pasture, that I had a significant "A-ha!" moment. There were two very important revelations. The first was that I am guided to knowing I have something more personal, internal, that I need to be uncovering when I have that sick feeling in my stomach. That feeling is my cue that I am supposed to be learning a lesson about ME, not someone else, during those moments. What I found the lesson to be was hugely impactful. I FINALLY came to the realization that, for all of my evidence to support my argument, I WAS AT FAULT. I had created an environment of acceptance in which this person was given permission BY ME to treat me "less than." I allowed it. I accepted it. I encouraged it. And then I resented it. This was such a tremendous revelation!! I have spent years coming to the point where I acknowledge and own my accountability for the relationships I create. But I was blinded in this one. I had become unhealthy in my role. I had become lost from my ideals. I had invited someone to not treat me equally.

As I write this, I sound as if I am excusing behavior. I am not. And she does not. The behaviors have been discussed, and she has owned her role. She works hard to transform how she interacts. Last night, there was a significant exclamation for me. In conversation, I had interpreted a comment that she felt I was remiss in accounting for her behavior as being taken "personal." My opinion is that it was personal and not inappropriately identified. Part of our healing is to have open dialogue when something is amiss. I took that opportunity to sit down and discuss how I was feeling. The conversation began exactly as I had hoped. Open and honest. But rather quickly, I became caught in an emotional web. I felt the urgency to replay the past occurances. They were examples. They were my "evidence" of wrongdoing. I got stuck. And now I pay a price.

During the early stages of talking, she was gifted with tremendous insight from her spirit team. She had an awakening of her own, an identification of root. She began to recognize that she was guilty of this same behavior in many prior relationships, and she identified the origin of programming. I was so caught in the past drama, and so controlled by the demonic ego, that I couldn't settle my mind enough to shift in the conversation. She cut me off, shut me down, and said she couldn't hear anymore. I felt slighted. I wanted to be right. Why couldn't she let me get it out? And yet, despite this moment that could transform how she interacts with people forever, I was minimizing her experience to stay on my pout. And as I was leaving, she apologized to me. As I write that sentence, I can feel the tears welling in my eyes. This is where the completion of my awakening began.

My trip down ego-driven crazy was not conscious and took less than an hour to realize, but I spoiled one of the most beautiful moments to witness. The moment was the kind where deep understanding occurs,and where healing begins. By the time I reached my destination, I was feeling really low. I couldn't text her fast enough to apologize. I had failed both of us in a moment that I couldn't get back. I cheated her from fully absorbing her awakening, and I cheated myself of being able to wholly share in that experience with her. So, I apologized. Big deal. But I knew I had hit a major crossroads, whereby I was either going to go all-in or be forever regretful. I spent 12 hours living with regretful. I am so blessed to have a friend that I can bounce my crazy off of after I have sat with it awhile. Sometimes I can find clarity on my own, but I have tried that most of my life and it hasn't worked out. Part of my individual growth is to reach out when I need perspective, because one of my biggest weaknesses is asking for help. But I did it. And through talking, I became acutely aware that this was an ego-driven block that I had to confront. So, I did. I acknowledged that I was trying to push my anger and guilt toward what I had created and make her take responsibility. I was foolish. She already has taken accountability for her role. And over time, I have talked a lot about forgiveness and acceptance. And in words, I meant it. But it took me until this morning to own that I had not let go.

Holding onto the past meant that I was cheating both myself and her of living in the now. Holding on meant I was not allowing myself to trust in her growth, or my growth. Holding on meant I would be forever chained to the old relationship and unable to grow in a healthy way. Holding on means I am carrying chains that are dragging me away from where I want to be. I was failing to practice what I preach. I was allowing words to be stagnant ideals. I am a believer in actions speaking louder than words, and I was subconsciuosly being a hypocrite. I must now live my words, bringing into action the person who lives inside, but has hidden behind the ego and programmed ways of getting to what I say I want. Guess what? Following the old tapes has failed me everytime, and the ego is a shape-shifter that leads me to follow the shiny promises if I just buy in. Fuck the buy-in. I now move toward forgiveness and release. This movement is not just about other people. Most importantly, it is about me. Change sucks, but being stuck sucks worse. It's time to move. It's time to rise. It's time to be. A great part of who I am is that someone who will accomplish what I commit to. And to this, I commit.