Ya know, sometimes life has a way of whacking you upside the head and forces you to observe how a seemingly harmless and factual comment can impact someone else's perception. This happened a couple days ago, but only really settled into my consciousness today. I am really deeply moved by the understandings that have come to the forefront. While part of me will need to have a conversation with the other person involved regarding said perception, I also have to explore my own understanding.
Two days ago, someone very important to me said that asking me for help was a really big step. My response was to say, unintentionally flippantly, that she asks for help all the time...has for a long time. The following day, we discussed a situation for which I had offered to help. It was a two-fold offer. First, I genuinely wanted to be part of the process and be both holistically and monetarily invested. Second, being invested make me feel closer to the subject, more involved and a part of something outside of myself. There were selfish components, but overall, the offer had no expectations and no strings. Yesterday evening, what had been agreed upon was revealed to have not occurred. In addition, a prior agreement was also withdrawn from the table. Completely perplexed and with no input regarding the situations, all I could do was let it go.
Later that evening, a very brief conversation occurred in which the statement was made for not wanting me to be taken advantage of. I let the conversation lapse relatively quick, as there was a sense that I had more to uncover within myself before I could more fully explore this topic.
Thankfully, my revelations came swiftly and with perfect clarity. The following are what I have uncovered.
1. I also struggle a great deal with asking for help. The reasons vary, but largely reflect a fear of appearing weak, not in control, incapable of handling my own affairs, and an awareness of imposing on someone else. A lot of these had a shift in perspective for me with this situation. I have always understood that people on both sides of a helping task are rewarded. The term I found to best encompass this view is interdependence, and the definition most fitting is, "2.with mutually dependent elements: relying on mutual assistance, support, cooperation, or interaction among constituent parts or members." My unwillingness to ask for help was not only restrictive for my own wellbeing, but also for those who would gain their own benefits. I was denying others the opportunity to understand the depth of my trust and belief in them.
2. What I realized next was profound, at least for me. I realized that unwillingness (I keep wanting to write inability, but not asking is a conscious choice, not a lack of ability) is the bottom plateau of a hierarchy. When I picture it in my head, I see arrows...one thing leading to another. It looks like this... Ego - > pride - > fear - > not asking for help - > safety. The root cause leads back to a conditioned ego that has been taught how to be independent and self-sufficient, to use judgement and fear to deter interdependence, and to provide a false sense of self and inner-strength. We hold on so tight to this conditioning, because as a society, we are born to be this. But then I consider how many other cultures operate from a platform of collectivism. They function within a community as a community, being a family of (2), a church of all pews filled, a neighborhood, a school, however they gather, they are interdependent. In this, I realize that we are all interdependent. And so in being, we are always functioning from the reciprocal give and take of helping. From a most fundamental level, we are even interdependent with our earth. This is the reason we as a human population have concerns regarding global warming, extinction, the world of re's (recycle, reuse, reduce, repurpose, etc). If I remove a piece of trash from a river, I have helped by the act of doing to influence the natural balance of the waters. The river didn't ask. I didn't offer. It just was what needed to be done. And so to can we look at helping each other.
3. This brings me to number three, and the most relevant of my understanding pertaining to my conversation. It is an awareness. A glaringly bright, much needed awareness. It is also about letting go, and realizing when I am not doing quite as well with this as I strive. But in the same vein, it is also about reframing. You see, I wasn't wrong. There has been tremendous amounts of help interchanged. But it came from such a pure and selfless place, and much of it was never vocalized as a request, that it never was catalogued as such. I think that may be why we both were so surprised by the other. For me, there was a deeply entrenched interdependence. The links became worn and untended, but they were there. Now the links are being polished and fixed. Broken pieces are being repaired, or where necessary, replaced with newer and stronger links. The old links are put in a container. They no longer serve a purpose for this new leg of the journey, but they are reminders of where I can end up if I am not authentic and pure in my offerings. From the other side, I imagine my words sounded almost chastizing, or judgemental. They were not in any way either of those things. They were reality. They were fact. And in the most genuine form, they were evidence that interdependence between two people who trust one another can occur with neither having to discuss it. This was important to me, as well. I think discussing it is necessary. I believe that for me to have effective, healthy, balanced relationships, acknowledging where each person stands throughout the course of time is necessary. Are you getting what you want and need? Are you feeling valued and appreciated? Am I getting what I want and need? Am I feeling valued and appreciated? These need to be asked outloud to each other. If any or all answers no, the time to repair what is not in balance can be addressed before any negativity has a chance to latch on. Negativity is much like a parasite and we are the hosts. If we don't protect our shells, our boundaries, and our health, we are vulnerable to being infused with parasitic negativity, the destructor of all that is meant for our lives. It seems so simple. It makes so much sense. And yet, we struggle.
These three lessons have emboldened my understanding and rebooted my faith recognizing how I can misrepresent my own needs, and the ripple effect that has on the world around me. Likewise, I also recognize that by not monitoring how I say something, or taking into account a reference point for what I am saying, I am likely to open a rabbit hole of unnecessary travel. I am responsible for these actions. I am responsible for my words. And I accept that responsibility.
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